#26 - Restoration

At our church's Christmas Eve service, we sang several songs.  Some were traditional carols.  Some were worship songs.  One was "Restoration" by David Brymer.  And as I sang it, I thought how there couldn't have been a more perfect song.  I'm sure that the song was chosen to remind us all of the restoration that Jesus brought to the world by coming to earth as a baby.  Of the sacrifice that he came here to make, so that we could be restored to our Heavenly Father.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  

For me, the song had an additional meaning.  

For the last several years, Christmas has never come without the bittersweet memories of a Christmas 8 years ago.  Every year, as I go to the Christmas Eve service at church I remember the service that I sat in 8 years ago.  Pregnant with my 3rd child.  Thinking about how I could relate to Mary in a special way that year.  Counting my blessings... my children, Allie and Jackson, and this new, precious one that was on it's way to us.  Excited about what the next day would bring.  And what the next year would bring.  A baby!    I remember what I was wearing.  What my kids were wearing.  Who I spoke to that night.  What we ate for dinner.  I remember that when Santa visited, he filled a little red felt stocking that Jack had hung for the baby with pacifiers and that Allie gave thoughtful little gifts to her new sibling.  I remember that Christmas night, in a house full of family and fun, I went to the restroom and found blood.  I remember spending the next 24+ hours in and out of bed, calling the ER doctor, ravenously reading, calling anyone that I thought might be able to help me know how to save my baby, and begging God to do what became clear that I could not.  And I remember that ultimately, I found myself in a horrific situation where I knew that there was no way that He had.

I lost it.

My baby.  The dream.  Control.  My faith, to some extent.  Hope.  Life as I knew it.

I lost it all.

I was wrecked.

I have recounted much about that time and the years that followed on my blog, For What It's Worth.  It is sad and painful.

Christmas, for a few years, was tainted.  I still enjoyed it -  I loved the magic in my kids' faces when they saw their gifts.  I loved being with family.  I loved our traditions.  I loved the reason that we celebrated Christmas - but every single year, for a few, I had moments of utter grief.  Not just over the loss of the baby I'd lost at Christmas time but also of the one that was lost after that.  And of the loss of so much more in the years that followed.  I was dumbfounded about the goodness of God.  The way that this was all supposed to be working for good for me.  For the ones that I loved. 

I had a lot to learn.

And He gently, patiently taught me.

And continues to teach me.

And as He teaches me, He has restored my soul.

So, when we sang that song on Christmas Eve, I could genuinely, honestly sing.  You bring restoration.  The words - almost every single one of them - were perfect.

You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul


You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in it's place, You give me joy


You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy


hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new

And oh, I still miss her.  The one that was lost that Christmas.  Her name is Kate.  And I miss her.  But I have all confidence that she fulfilled her purpose.  Her life was not wasted.  She impacted me.  She changed me. I cannot imagine what life would be like for me and my family if it hadn't been for the lessons that I learned because of her life.  God used her - and even the loss of her - to restore me.  

He makes all things new.

So today, 8 years later, I can say with a thankful heart that He has taken my sadness and turned it in to joy.  He brings restoration to my soul.  

Happy Birthday, my Kate.